Tuesday the 5th of August, 1890
A busy day at Peshawar's Kabul Gate...
Maj-Gnl. Basil "Smokey" Whitsend (Ask him someday how he acquired that particular nickname during the Great Mutiny -- if you dare!), accompanied by his Political Officer Captain Alexander "Teetotaler" Crane, watches 2nd Brigade march out, DESTINATION: DARGAI...
2nd GURKHAS LEAD THE WAY...
FOLLOWED BY THE YORKS & LANCS...
...WHO ARE PLAYED FORWARD BY THEIR
DRUMMER BOYS, JAKIN & LEW,
DRESSED IN RED FOR THE OCCASION...
JAKIN & LEW ARE BOTH ARE ORPHANS,
SO DESPITE BEING UNDERAGE BOTH
GOT SPECIAL PERMISSION FROM
THEIR COLONEL TO ACCOMPANY
THE REGT. INTO THE FIELD...
2nd BRIGADE'S DEPARTURE IS ALSO
CLOSELY WATCHED BY THEIR OWN
C.O. BRIGADIER GENERAL
PADRAIC "MAGPIE" MCGILIGAN...
A VIEW FROM ON HIGH...
AND FROM INSIDE THE GATE,
THE LAST RESPITE FROM
THE PUNISHING AUGUST SUN
THESE TROOPS WILL ENJOY
FOR SOME TIME..
NEXT COME THE 2nd SIKHS PFF (PUNJAB FRONTIER FORCE)...
AND FINALLY, ANCHORING THE
COLUMN'S REAR ARE 2nd BATTALION
CORPS OF GUIDES INFANTRY PFF
(PUNJAB FRONTIER FORCE)...
WATCHING AS THEY WAIT IN THE WINGS
ARE 2nd BRIGADE'S CAVALRY COMPONENT,
THE 9th QUEEN'S ROYAL LANCERS...
UNDER THEIR C.O. LT. COLONEL HARRY "PIG-STICKER" FINN...
OUTSIDE THE WALLS WE CATCH A GLIMPSE
OF THE BRIGADE'S ARTILLERY,
NO. 3 (PESHAWAR) MOUNTAIN BATTERY...
UP ON THE RAMPARTS COMES THE SUDDEN VOICE
OF AN ADJUTANT BOUNDING UP THE STAIRS...
"General, those most important papers you've
been waiting for just arrived, sir!"
With the widest circulation West of Delhi and North of Bombay is it any wonder the paper General Whitsend's been waiting for was none other than The Peshawar Tribune?
FEATURING THE LATEST COLUMN FROM
THAT WORLD-WIDE JOURNALISTIC
& LITERARY SENSATION:
REGINALD WINKIE!
This broadsheet's in such broad demand that whenever a new edition hits the galee,* everyone's ready to kill to get their hands on a copy -- including this very model of a modern Major-General...
(* the "street")
1. THE GENERAL
Indeed, far-and-wide across the frontier
The Peshawar Tribune's dedicated readership knows no bounds! In addition General Whitsend, it also includes but is far from limited to:
2nd Lt. Fitzroy, Yorks & Lancs, former CO of Chakdara Outpost, currently being held captive whilst being escorted to Kabul by Captain Mir of the Afghan Regular Army...
The good Captain went out of his way to have
a copy speedily delivered to them en route...
You can imagine his shock and surprise when
Lieutenant Fitzroy's only response to its arrival was:
"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the king's horses and all the king's men,
Couldn't put me back together again!"
"HUMPTY... BLOODY... DUMPTY!!!"
Sadly it seems the long days & nights of captivity have taken a toll on the Subaltern's disposition, and he appears on the verge of mania or perhaps... even lunacy. Or in the vernacular of his Afghan minders: "This Ingleesh go pagal in the head."
2. THE PRISONER
In far happier and more domestic circumstances reside Ibn-Kali Kali and Mrs. Kali, proprietors of Kunar Caravansary in Goshta District, Nangarhar Province, A'Stan...
Where nabobs from both sides of the border have been known to sojourn, and horse-trade...
3. THE INNKEEPERS
Atop Drosh Watchtower on the Chitral River we find the "Romantic Seeds" Mullahs of Reginald Winkie's Peshawar Barracks Ballad, "THE UNPALPABLE JEZAILS," still conferring or debating or haggling -- over what exactly we do not know -- but apparently it was mentioned in the Tribune...
4. THE MULLAHS
Deeper in Afghanistan we find none other than the Iron Amir himself, Abdur Rahman Khan, in his Palace garden, perusing the latest edition...
How it was delivered all the way to Kabul so fast, none can say...
At least, none who can talk...
***ABOVE IS PICTURED THE IRON AMIR'S
LITTLE-KNOWN BUT MUCH-FEARED
MUTE COURIER, NAAN, WHILE BELOW
IS THE ONLY KNOWN IMAGE OF
HIS CHAMPION CARRIER-VULTURE, KHAN***
Nearly as legendary as the Iron Amir but utilizing more common methods of acquisition, we see none other than the MAD GURU himself waving his freshly-delivered copy in the air...
Alongside the iconic GREEN BANNER OF MECCA with which he encouraged Ayub Khan to march from Herat to defeat the Farangi and their idol-worshipping lackeys on the field at Maiwand! To where does the blind Mad Guru ride his mule? Like win, place & show for tomorrow's races at Ascot, the answer to that question must wait for another day...
6. THE GURU
Maryam Singh, Palace Housemaid for Abdur Rahman the Iron Amir of Afghanistan himself -- & undercover Clandestine Agent of the Raj's Political Department...
...who uses state-of-the-art tradecraft to get her copy on the down-low from a customer at the FABRIC STALL she runs ever other Tuesday at the Kabul Bazaar...
***NOTE: POLITICAL DEPT. OFFICER ORSON LYME
SERVING UNDERCOVER AS AN AFGHAN WOMAN***
Now safety stashed under a bolt of Tajik linen,
Maryam will read the Trib cover to cover in the
safety of total isolation the first chance she gets...
7. THE PALACE SERVANT (& SPY FOR THE RAJ)
Hari Hardoon, Peshawar Beggar & Covert Asset (AKA: Informer) for the Raj, who snags a copy from the Printing Shop in exchange for telling the Pukka Foreman's fortune, then sells it on the street to whomsoever he may meet...
Such as this blue-shirted OFFICER in side-cap sipping from a vermillion cup & saucer...
He's MAJOR R.J. GALLANT, C.O. of the Bombay Sappers & Miners Company recently arrived from Karachi...
Major Gallant is no admirer of beggars, but he does enjoy a good read...
And of course he's a fan of Reginald Winkie,
so a deal is struck and a paper sold...
8. THE BEGGAR (& INFORMER FOR THE RAJ)
Long after the sun sets tonight, Mayank Jan -- Sarban Khan's blue-turbaned spy in Peshawar/Dargai/Wherever Blood Oath Loyalty Demands -- sits ensconced in the charred remnants of Dargai village at the foot of the Malakand Pass...
...Yet somehow this resourceful villain (or hero,
depending on your point-of-view) has managed to
get his hands on a copy of you-know-what...
Though for some reason... he appears
to be reading it upside-down???
9. THE SPY FOR THE REBEL KHAN
Now we rewind the clock and return to early that same day at Peshawar's Kabul Gate, where Havildar-Major Kunara of the 127th Baluchis is watching 2nd Brigade march out, feeling sadly disappointed that he and his regiment are being left behind to hold down the fort instead of heading to Dargai for a chance at action...
Poor old Havildar-Major Kunara...
But rather than wallow in disappointment and self-pity, Kunara cracks open the Pesha Trib and has at it...
Now there's a way to put a positive spin on
the day -- well done that Baluchi man!
10. THE NCO
But strangely enough... one of the most dedicated and loyal readers of the "Pesha Trib" -- as those in-the-know call it -- cannot be found anywhere above: we speak of CAPTAIN ELLIOT HARDIGAN, COMMANDING OFFICER E/B RHA (E Battery B Brigade, Royal Horse Artillery)...
...BUT THAT SAME CAPTAIN HARDIGAN CAN BE SEEN HERE -- DRIVING HIS 3-GUN BATTERY THROUGH THE NIGHT TO REACH 1st BRIGADE AT DARGAI AHEAD OF 2nd BRIGADE, PER SPECIAL ORDERS FROM GENERAL WHITSEND...
11. THE BATTERY COMMANDER
(Who must wait to get his hands on a copy
of today's Trib until when & if
he gets where he is going)
12. THE SWAMI
(pictured above is FAKIR FAYSAL,
the acclaimed Peshawar Swami
seen here reading his treasured
copy of The Pesha Trib while
relaxing on a bed of nails)
* * * * * *
Whatdya hear, whatdya say,
The Pesha Trib keeps its loyal readers
On pins and needles,
in every conceivable way!
